We've done a lot of funny shit in UO. This is where you can read about some of them. Stories are added now and then.
One of the funniest things that happened to me was on day 3. I was tryin to help out a newbie. Ya know, "take your clothes off, so I can put armor on you..."
Well, this newbie wont take his pants off, & runs away saying, "You are trying to steal all my clothes."
I busted a gut...
It was the second day of the second Alpha, just got done getting some high class armour and a great axe from the armourer. I was on my way back to this little house where Riva Dragon showed me how I could gain some good EXP and goodies by killing the npc's in this respawning area. When all of sudden Rev. Brucifer showed his ass up!
All I saw was "Hey Smokes You Bitch! Come over here!"
"Rev. Brucifer My Fuckness! What's up Rev. you bitch!"
Rev. was telling me some shit about the day before when he looked at me and said:
"Smoky where in the fuck is your skirt?"
I said: "skirt? Why do I need a skirt?"
Well that was the beggining of a 2 hour Fuckfest with the npc's in town.
"Smoky, you need a skirt to be a cool looking Fuckhead! All Fuckheads must have a skirt! Cross dressing is the Fuckhead's way!"
I said: "Well Rev. where can I get one?"
Rev. said: "Follow me bitch, I'll get you one."
So we were walking in the middle of town when we came upon this bitch with a skirt on.
Rev. strolled smoothly toward her, while I was lagging behind scratching my ass wondering WTF Rev. was doing?
Rev. said: "Hey Bitch, Smokes needs a fucking skirt and it looks like you have one!"
Hmmm No Answer? Rev. steps forward and starts hacking this bitch while crudley saying:
"What's the matter bitch, you don't like my axe?"
I was chuckling in the background... "fuck her in the ass Rev.!"
Rev. scoffs at this, "Hey bitch Im doing all the work!"
Just before the smelly cunt hits the ground, Rev. said: "Celia? You like it in the ass?"
Oh shit I knew this was going to be a good day.
So Rev. drops this ugly brown skirt down on the ground, "Smoky, now you can be a cross dressing bitch like me."
"Rev., WTF are we going to now?"
So we talked for a few minutes and discussed where all the FH's were, when Rev. said:
"Smoky lets kill some npc bitches....LET'S ROCK!"
Well I didn't have anything to do, so I was game.
Rev. came upon this little cottage and knocked on the door.
"Knock..Knock any npc's home? I can smell a bitch in there."
I said: "Fucking Rev. you must be smelling your ass again!"
"Fuck you Smoky, you bitch!"
With that said, he Quas An Lor'ed my ass and laughed at me.
"Fuck you Rev. stop that shit!"
Rev. was already in the cottage, when I came out of his ass fart cloud outside the cottage.
"Where are you bitch?"
All I saw was Rev. talking to a npc inside.
"Oh [npc bitch (fuck I forgot the npc bitches' names)] would you like me to cum on your face? Hmm talk dirty to you bitch? How about a fine axe up your ass? Aww too bad, you're already dead!"
Rev. says: "Where in the fuck are you Smoky, do I need to Quas your ass again?"
Well before I could type anything a think black cloud surrouned me with big fat letters saying "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Fuck you Rev. you Cunt!"
Then I could see Rev. again, talking to another npc inside the house.
"Geoffery, I just fucked your daughter! ahahah! She wouldn't blow me, so I had to kill her!"
With that Rev. smoked the npc into submission. By now I was laughing so hard that tears were pouring out of my eyes. Damn! I couldn't fucking even open the door to the cottage, I was laughing so hard. Well that didn't stop. I could see Rev. talking to another npc inside the house.
All I see is this: "BLOW ME BITCH!"
hahahahaha I was rolling off my fucking bed!
"Ah good huh honey? Well I have some more!"
With that I said: "She needs to get fucked in the ass Rev.!"
Rev. said: "Smoky says you need it in your ass, he ain't here so I have to do it. Smoky! Get your ass in here."
No chance of that, I was still laughing so hard, I was choking on the Skoaky I was dipping.
"Too late Smoky, I think I killed the bitch!"
So I finally made it inside the house when Rev. said: "Move you bitch!"
As I did the door closed behind Rev. and a thick black smoke covered my ass again. HAHAHA!
"Smoky you're too slow, you're a sorry ass bitch!"
"Fuck you, you cunt! Just because you got AIDS from fucking that bitch doesn't mean that you have to lock my ass in here."
Rev. was howling at my pathetic attempt to find the door.
"Fuck You Rev., open the fucking door!"
"OK Smoky faggot!"
He opens the door and I made it to the clear when all of a sudden he Quas'ed my ass again.
"Fucking Rev. stop your fucking AIDS shit!"
"haha just kidding Smoky, come over here and kill this bitch!"
So I came over to this bitch wearing a pretty green skirt that I wanted to have.
I tried to engage combat on this whore but couldn't do it.
"Rev. WTF, I can't engage in combat mode with this whore!"
"Smoky, you dumb fuck just drag the box to you and double click on her."
"Fuck I did Rev. I can't engage!"
Well I tried this for 5 minutes, but no dice.
Rev. steps in bitching at me, "Smoky, can't you do anything right?"
So Rev. tries for 5 minutes. I'm laughing my ass off while he was cursing at the bitch.
"HAHAHA I told you Rev.!!!!"
Finally Rev. gives in and says: "Yeah Smoky you're right, there's something up with this bitch!"
Well later we found out that the bitch was a shopkeeper and you couldn't kill them.
Well we went around town for the next hour and a half, doing and saying the same shit.
We came to another cottage with a family of npc's in it.
"Hey Rev. I got a whole family we can fuck!"
"Smoky make sure you wear a condom over your axe!"
Well I got to the first bitch while Rev. was fucking her mom.
"Hey Rev. come over here we need to get double penetration, she says she likes 2 FH's at the same time."
"Smoky Im trying a new bottle up her mom's ass, hold on."
Well it didn't happen, the 2 bitches were no match for a FH and they died too soon before we came.
"Damn Rev.! I killed her, I guess I was too rough."
"Me too Smoky, I just had her bent over for the cornholing of her life, but she died :("
"Rev. look at these masturbators watching us fuck their wives!"
"Smoky I think these guys are queer, we should kill them for being faggots!"
"Fuck Rev. these homo boys need a axe up their asses."
"Wait! No! They might like that Smoky! Just kill them."
Well we did and took their gold.
Rev. was still Quas An Lor'ing my ass through town and I was getting sick of it.
"Hey Rev. I need to go buy some spells."
"OK Smoky I'm going to the armoury."
Well I bought a darksource spell just for Rev. I went to the armoury to see if his darksource ass was still there. HEHE he was, so when the door closed I Quas An Lor'ed Rev.'s ass and he couldn't get out for 5 minutes. Rev. was pissed and I was laughing all the way out of town! He didn't even know it was me, until I told him after the beta.
If anyone doesn't see this as the funniest shit on UOL, I guess you had to be there. I don't think I laughed as much in my whole life, as I did for 2 hrs with Rev.! Rev. Rocks!
It was towards the end of the May Demo when Origin finally brought back colored knights. At the time, there were just the gold and green knigts spawning. A few of us Fuckheads didn't really have anything planned and we're pretty tired of the outfits we were wearing at the time. Juggernaut, Riva, GreenEvil, Smoky, Krom, and I went out and started bagging the colors. We loaded up green and gold gear and met back up at the Cemetary Gate. Being Fuckheads, we decided to dress up in full colored suits and put a friendly, little scare in Britain's newbie population. So we all got nekkid and changed into either green or gold gear and armed ourselves with the respective colored sword.
One thing was missing to make it all really look good. We needed some poor shmuck to scream for help while we all chased him around. Well, next thing you know Rand comes along... Kane was with him. We briefed Rand and Kane on our plans and they volunteered to be our shmucks. (Actually, they really didn't have any say in the matter ;)
We all headed north to the Bridge. We gave Rand and Kane a half screen head start into the City and then we silently chased after them.
We just crossed the Bridge and were passing Lord Duncan and Dr. Atomic who were both just standing around there. Duncan sees what we're doing and yells out "HEY ASSHOLES" while Dr. Atomic simply says "silly." Yes, we are silly assholes and we're fucking proud of it!
Well, Rand turned out to be a shitty actor. He justed couldn't play a convincing newbie. Rand was like, "This is out of character for me. People know I'm a badass." So Rand gave up trying to act like a newbie and probably went off to kill something somewhere. Kane took over the newbie acting but wasn't any better. Eventually, we all got separated in the City.
Now it was just GreenEvil, Riva, and I. This time GreenEvil decided to dress up in newbie gear (pants, shirt, and a mace). If I hadn't gone and killed guards and orc lords with GreenEvil before, I swear I would've thought he was an annoying little newbie fuckstain. GreenEvil put on the perfect newbie act, "Sir can you help me? How do I attack? Do you know where I can find some ham?" He was just too convincing.
The new plan was for Riva and I to chase GreenEvil around at the Temple and scare the newly resurrected newbies. So where chased GreenEvil towards the Temple and he was screaming for help. DragonSlayer was standing right outside the Temple. He saw us coming and was like, "What the fuck?!" DragonSlayer saw a crying little "newbie" getting chased by gold and green knights and decided to try to save the newbie. GreenEvil was calling out for someone to save him, "Help. Why are they chasing me? Why won't they leave me alone?" Riva and I chased GreenEvil around in circles in front of the Temple and DragonSlayer chased us and whacked us from behind with his axe. Next thing we know, DragonSlayer yells out to GreenEvil, "Stop running. Stop so I can heal you!"
By now my side was hurting from laughing so hard. After a few more minutes of this chasing I had to stop because DragonSlayer brought my hp down pretty low. GreenEvil, Riva, and I stopped running and let DragonSlayer in on our little joke and then laughed with (at? :) him for a little bit. DragonSlayer's next words were, "thou art truly fuckheads." We then thanked DragonSlayer for giving us such a good laugh.
I wished someone got a screenshot of the chase. This was one of my favorite nights in UO.
- Rev. Brucifer
It all started when when I ran into my fellow Fuckheads standing around by the river conspiring in hushed tones. (Can we say private IRC). Rev. had found out the secret to getting into Hades' playground. As he explained it to us we decided that only a few of us should leave the lands of UO and venture into the unknown at a time. The rumour around was that to be caught in those forbidden lands was to risk the loss of everything we had worked so hard to get in our short time alive and be reduced to less than we started with when we first set foot in the world of UO. This was a risk worth taking but to offset that possibility it was decided that i would carry the equipment of everyone that was to adventure outside the fence. This way even if they were to be caught they could plead Newbie Ignorance or at least have their equipment if they were reduced to below newbie stats by the Hades. So everyone put on their newbie outfits. I collected there prize possesions and we set on our secret mission.
I was to escort the now ill-equiped group through the untamed lands leading to the secret exit to the playground. None of us were weak adventures, in fact we all were hardened Veterans of this land and the trip began uneventfully, a few wolves and deer stood in our path and even the odd Orc thought to take advantage of our little party but even without armour and weapons they were in no danger. The word must of got out amoung the Orcs though as the dreaded Captains started to arrive.
This is when I steped in. Outfited in my newly won Armour of White and Black with my faithful axe Alicia at the ready, I easily dispatched the few Cappies that stood in their path. Then they came, Orc Captains in larger groups then I had seen yet in my travels. I had long since lost my fear of these fiends but to fight 5 at a time was a challenge even for the mighty Juggernaut. :)
My companions watched them come and I moved to intercept the monsters in hopes of at least taking the brunt of the damage expecting at least some help from my brother Fuckheads. But in true Fuckhead style they stood back and laughed as I locked in mortal combat with this small army. I cried my battle cries and called for help in my battle and the only response I got was the rolling laughter of my brothers and our mighty Reverend call out, "HAHAHA Jugs is getting rocked by the Caps."
At this point I was almost done with my battle but severly wounded. Then noticed my health jump up and knew that my brothers were lending a hand as my mana was already long spent. Then I too started laughing my head off as I fought for our lives and listened to my companions cheer for the Captains.
This was true Fuckhead Madness and I knew that I truely was a Fuckhead.
Powerslave's Trip To Hell
(From the first Fuckhead to make it into Hades' Playground! :)
It was late in the final pre-alpha testing period when I ran across Lothar and some other person. I cannot remember his name, but they were talking about having made it across the fence that surrounded the UO Map. Having been bored with killing Orcs and Skeletons this was my next quest. I spent the next 4-5 hours trying different methods of getting across the fence. Dropping items near the fence, and quitting the game, and re-running the UO client trying to "start" on top of the item. This did not work. I then proceeded to follow the fence when I came across a corner (NorthWest corner near orc camp). I noticed my character could get pretty tight up against the fence, so I then re-tried the Quit/Rejoin method. It took maybe 3 attempts before my character started back up in the game on the other side of the fence.
I called my friend Dagon on the phone, and after trying to explain for 15 minutes where I was at, and waiting another 25 or more for him to show up, I had him across the fence too. We proceeded to search this new and exciting area. We started out heading south, where we ran into some invisible skeleton warrior things. Not wanting to die, we ran, and fast. Having been killed by an Orcish Lord earlier that day, and forgetting to buy another create food spell, we found ourselves getting low on Stamina. Forcing us to stop and rest often. After about 20 mins searching south, we headed back up north where we ran across all kinds of stuff. The coolest being a Fire Mace. We grabbed the fire mace, and all kinds of cool colored armor. I tossed the Fire Mace in my pack. I also found a Harp. Dagon grabbed a bunch of armor, and a musical instrument. (I think it was a guitar?). Well about this time Hades shows up. He ask's what we are doing here, etc. Trying not to piss him off, I played it cool. Hades made us take off the armor we had put on. (Not a problem, Dagon had plenty more in his pack :) hehe). He then tells us if we want Armor, we would have to fight each other for it. He then teleported both of us to this fenced in area, surrounded by at least 50 other UO players who were all fighting for armor. Well at this time I was like level 20, and Dagon was barely level 10. I told Hades I wouldnt kill my friend for armor. So we left.
We went back out to the wilderness, where we proceeded to arm the Fire Mace, and cool armor. I had the ONLY Fire Mace in the final pre-alpha test. I guess it was crashing the servers, so they took them out. (The Fire Mace was your reward for going on the Quest in UO). It was funny as hell to go around killing all these orc's with the only Fire Mace. We tried to keep it hidden as to not attract attention. But there were too many people running around. Everyone would stop and ask "Hey where did you guys get the Fire Mace?". To which we replied "We are UO Quality Assurance team" :). Also we tried our best to go around with the musical instruments we had found, and play them until people could not stand it and became irritated. :)
Actually the Fire Mace is a pretty crappy weapon. It took forever to kill Orc Captains. I would shoot one, and get it to follow me for about 15-20 minutes while I ran, and shot. Meanwhile Dagon would follow and chop the Cap with his axe.
Well about this time we ran into Rev. Brucifer, and Aragorn. While we were not associated with the Fuckheads at the time, I had hung around Rev., and his crew in the orc camps when I was but a measly weak warrior. (I would run to them usually with an Orc Captain chasing me hehe). Rev. Brucifer had also healed me a few times. And I knew they weren't PKillers, nor were they ever assholes about hanging out with them and gaining experience. Well anyways Rev. asked where we got the Fire Mace, and we proceeded to tell him our story. We then took Rev. and Aragorn with us to get back into Hades' Playground.
We had promised Hades to not go back there. We shoulda kept our promise. :) I think Rev. and Aragorn thought we were bullshitting them about getting across the fence because it took awhile for us to get across the fence, but finally we all got across. We then proceeded to haul ass back to where all the cool stuff was laying around. Somewhere during this time Hades popped in and caught us... AGAIN :). He was not too happy with me and Dagon since he had already caught us there about 2 hours earlier. He took every item I had and killed me putting me back at the Ankh Temple. Aragorn was there and had been killed too. Dagon was still running around out in Hades' Playground grabbing cool stuff. He dressed up as an NPC and actually faked out Hades, and several of Hades lynch mob for awhile. But I will let Dagon tell that story. :) I dunno what ever happened to Rev.
(Much of this information was given to me over the phone by Dagon.)
Eventually they caught Dagon stealing stuff as an NPC and they proceeded to put him on trial. Hades and about 6 other people including Lady Whisper all were deciding the fate of Dagon. LW was being a total bitch, stating we should be locked up for the rest of the game, killed, banned completely from UO, etc. Dagon I guess attacked LW, and was eventually penned up in a small area where he couldnt move but a few steps. Hades asked Dagon for character witnesses. In the earlier Alpha test we were in a guild called Blackwatch, founded by Lothar. Dagon had also helped Lothar in the earlier pre-alpha in the PK War. Lothar put a good word in for Dagon, as did I when I was teleported back to where Dagon was "locked up." I am sure LW insisted that I be teleported back and "tried" again. I told Hades that I had paid for my crimes by dying, and losing ALL my possesions, and did not think it was fair to be put on trial again. After all, our crime was pretty minor, we did not ruin the fun for anyone as if we were PKilling. But LW would not drop it. Even the other "jurors" said LW was going to far.
The 100 Ham Monster
Lady Whisper complained that we were thieves. We insisted that the Armor was laying there, and that anyone would have taken it. But she is such an ass-kissing-bitch she insisted on having us banned from UO. In the weeks I played UO, I never saw LW anywhere but in the Ankh Temple kissing Origin Employees' asses and helping newbies. It pissed me off that she complained so much for us getting into Hades' Playground. When the only person who had the right to be mad was Hades. Lady Whisper could not let it go either, in IRC she's the same ass kisser she was in UO. It's for this reason LW has made many enemies, and will die in the Beta, or when it goes online for real. She was given the 100 Ham Monster alias because she is so fat we figured killing anything that big ought to be worth 100 hams. In UO when you kill some monsters you got a Ham as treasure. You could then eat or sell this ham. A dead deer would get you two hams.
Lady Whisper will die in this next Beta, or when it goes online for real, if not by my sword, then by one of my friends. She better not ever leave the "Safe Zones."
Dagon's fate was finally decided, he would be put back at level 1, with lower stats than a normal level 1 player. An easy fix, to which Dagon just deleted the player data on his system, and started a new character. This also enabled a bug in the UO client which gave a high dexterity, thus as a level 1 character, Dagon could kill like a level 12 player. Well to see how many horny fuckers there were, Dagon created a Female character. It was so funny to watch Dagon walk around naked and ask dudes if they liked his/her tits :). It was even funnier to watch all these dudes offer Dagon armor, weapons, gold, spells, everything :). There were dudes who were actually putting items in Dagon's pack.
If you want an advantage, be a female character and get all your armor and weapons for free! :)
Well that was the end of our adventures for that day.
One day while walking by the farm house I saw someone yelling for help. He was trapped inside with 5 orcs and 2 cappies outside, so I did what any Fuckhead would. I molested them and saved the poor guy. Now this guy comes out thinking that I'm one of Origin's gods, and starts complaining to me about some pkiller dressed all in green. He said "even his sword was green." He told me that he and his friend were just passing by and that green guy killed his friend in 2 seconds flat, so he ran and managed to lose him. I told him to wait out here. I went into the house and changed into my Green Knight armour. (First time I was able to change all of my clothes and without crashing.) Then I asked, "Did he look something like this?" and I walked out of the building. That newbie just ran like hell. I never got to explain to him that he was probably just attacked by "a green knight" NPC.
On the second day of the second Pre-Alpha test of Ultima Online, I had a funny experience that I think everyone will get a kick out of.
At this point in time I was still around level 8 or so and was busy leveling, accumulating wealth, and so forth. I'm sure you all know the place, I was in the building just east of the bridge of death where you can usually find 3 armoured NPC's hanging out. As most of you found out, this was a great place to hang out and kill these guys to increase your level, as well as gathering up all the armour off of the bodies and selling it to the armoury for easy cash.
So, I'm down in the basement of this building creating a virtual bloodbath of NPC's when I notice two guys walk into the building upstairs. During the Alphas, as you well know, no matter where you were standing, you could see what others were saying, ie.. through walls, between floors, over terraces, etc. Well, as these two guys walk in upstairs I see them talking through the ceiling above me. As I am finishing off the latest round of spawned NPC's, they are hearing the battle going on in the basement and one of them says, "Man! I wonder what's going on down there, sounds like a war".
So now I'm thinking to myself, "hmmm..."
After about a minute, I was wondering if they had left when one of them says, "Well, I'm gonna check it out".
The other says, "ok, careful friend"
OK, now I'm standing in the southeast corner of the basement gathering the items off the last of the fallen NPC's when I see this guy come cautiously down the stairs. This newbie guy was so typical it was frightening, green shirt, brown trousers, and wielding..... yes... a mace. This newbie guy stands there on the stairs for like a full minute. By the time he speaks to me I am already chuckling to myself. You gotta picture what this guy is seeing, a Knight in full armour in a basement surrounded by four dead bodies. So finally he says, "Who are you?"
I am laughing now and before I can type a reply, the newbie guy bolts up the stairs.
Through the floor I see...
"So what is down there?"
"See for yourself."
"Is is safe?"
"I don't know, just dont get too close"
(I am hurting by this point)
So, in a few moments I see this other newbie guy, purple shirt, trousers, and yes.... a mace, come walking slowly down the stairs. As soon as he see's me he stops. He then stands there for about 20 seconds before saying, "Are you Death?"
I cannot for the life of me remember my response, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I responded something along the lines of "Only when it serves my purpose" or something like that to lead the guy on. I was going to play with these guys a bit, the situation was just totally priceless, but the guy bolted before I could taunt him further or tell him I was just another player.
What a total riot, these are the moments that make Ultima Online worth all the hard work, and believe me, this type of thing happens all the time. Apologies to the newbies, I meant no harm. :)
- Riva Dragon
In the pre-alpha testing of UO they had a spell called Quas An Lor which would make a big black circular spot appear! Now my story takes place back at the Tavern in central Britain where all the players were selling their hams n shit.
It was just another of those UO days.. kicking orc butt, molesting body, kicking cappie butt, molesting body, kicking wolf butt, molesting body, kicking knight butt, molesting body and so on and so on.. I got kinda bored with the butt kicking so I decided to go back to the city to see if I'd meet up with anyone. Arriving at the Bridge Of Death I met up with my buddy Lord Wizal, he was on his way to the woods where I'd come from, but I managed to convince him that we would go to the city instead to sell the shit I'd gotten from the buttkicking. After having sold my shitz I started joking around with Wizal with the Quas An Lor spell, covering up him in big black circles! As he was trying to evade the circles I continued to blacken his ass, so he started to Quas An Lor me too! All this resulted in a trail of black circles throughout the whole city causing panic amongst the newbies! I remember Quas An Lor'ing the entrance to the Tavern, this made it very hard to find the door for all of the players that were inside, thus making it almost impossible for them to get out! I got some funny remarks as "Hey! Who turned the lights out!??!", "Hello?? is you screen totally black too? I think I got a new bug!", "Help! I cant get out!" and "Let me out of here!!!!!". It was so funny I laughed all the time at all the people that were totally covered up in black. The good thing was that these spells took a while to dissappear too! Well after that lil' break of Quas An Lor'ing in Britain we returned to the woods to kick some deer butt, and thats where this story ends too!
Late in the E3 demo, I managed get a skel to follow me into the main weapons shop in town. Shortly after I got him into position, (before the screenshot), this chick named Xena shows up & starts wailing on my 'pet'. I must've healed the skel for 10 minutes before she gave up. Then, (as members of her gender will), she bitched at me. The bitch just didn't have a sense of humor...
I killed someone twice in the pre-alpha. One time was a mistake. We were on the bridge next to the Temple looking for a Pkiller. So whenever someone passed by I clicked on them to see if they were the Pkiller. The problem with that was that if you're in war mode and you double-click on someone then you attack them. So I guess because of the lag I double clicked. I only swung twice but he was dead anyway. By this time I was like level 40+. I remember everyone getting ready to kick my ass, when Reverend Brucifer said something like "Anyone attacks Kurva and I'll sodomize them right here". I apologized and later I saw that person in the crypt and I gave them a colored armor.
The other time I was walking by the bridge of death in my newbie clothes. There were a few LoP's hanging around. I was just listening to the conversation, and one of the newbies with them attacked me. And same thing, he died in 2 or 3 swings. So they thought I attacked him and like 5 of them were attacking me. I was doing pretty good for while, and they were yelling, "Die, Die" ,"kill him", "I'm trying","Kurva must die". So I returned after being killed and reclaimed my stuff. Back then LoP and the Fuckheads were allies so I explained myself and all was cool.
I got bored and started dressing up the armor wearing NPCs in skirts and swords so they look like PCs. Then I started combat double-clicking on them and a couple were chasing me around trying to attack. :) I started going "ahhhhhhhh", "ahhhh stop." Then I did not move fast enough and killed them both. What is funny is that a couple people thought I was a Pkiller for killing them. I explained that they were NPCs, and a guy went "NO they have clothes!" Well, der sherlock!
Then one guy starts attacking me, and I move away and say "you have an attack bug, get out of combat mode." I had started hitting him and did not want to hurt him. What was funny is that he said "I Dont like Pkillers and kept attacking me." I said , "neither do I, dumbass."
I explained again about dressing up and even put skirts on two of them and said, "see look at that!" and a few of em went "what? look at what?" I am sorry that people this dumb are playing. Then M-Zane saw me doing it after that and said, "stop attacking Krom, Denise! [an NPC] he will kill you!" She died and he said, "too late!."
After this, I explained to M-Zane and we got some more. We had them after us and were yelling "stop bitch!" We got Holy_Avenger or some one that looked like Holy to cut it down for us. This was some funny crap.
So, there are fun things to do still and no, if someone tells you I am a Pkiller, I am not. :)
There was this one time when I was hanging out near the docks on the southside ot Britain. I was like exceptionally bored and there were none of the normal bitches around to kick up some good shit with. I think it was like 5am EST and I had gotten up like an hour early for work so that I could come in and play for a bit. Well, nothing was goin on and I was just hanging out when this dude comes walking by. Now let me describe this guy so that you fully understand. This little ho was dressed in all silver armour with no skirt. Now usually this tells you that he is some newbie dude that found one of the many newbie kits laying on the ground from where some badass mushroom-cloud layin', crack rock smokin', axe weildin' whore sodomized a guard and left his shit lyin there next to his dead corpse.
Ok so this dude is still standin there like waiting for something like whatever and I decide that he needs a skirt. :) So i dig through my pack and I have this ultra stylin purple one that was like really rare and decide to pimp it to this silver knight dude. So i put the skirt on this guy and he is like... "Huh??????????"
I say "Hey that's kinda cute."
So he takes it off and tosses it on the ground and says, "You are trying to make me look like a girl!"
About that time my brain locks up in incomprehention and before i can recover and tell this ho what the deal is he bolts. So I pick up my skirt and go out laughing my ass off looking for someone to share my story with.
I believe it was on the third day of the first pre-alpha. The Founding Fuckheads were hunting orcs in the northern woods when we were separated by an orc captain. Tern and I ran one way and Xy & the Rev. went another. We decided to head to "the fort" to meet up with the others.
When we arrived, there were about 15 people gathered around outside. As we got closer, I noticed there was a green knight trying to walk through the wall to get to a guard. Knights had just been added that day and I had yet to see one. Since we were still getting rocked by orc captains, I knew I should leave the knight alone.
All of the people gathered were saying "Look, it's a knight!" and "Don't get too close..." Being the fuckhead that I am, I decided I should walk right up to him. I walked right up next to him, and he continued to walk into the wall. As soon as the words "Look. He does nothing" left my mouth, the knight turned around, ran past me, and attacked the second nearest person. The knight slayed him with two shots, and I immediately yelled "RUN AWAY!" Most of the people decided not to heed my advice, and began to attack the knight. Tern and I ran to the north until we reached the farms. We shared a good laugh and waited a couple minutes before heading back to the fort. When we got there, there were at least a dozen dead bodies laying about. We had another good laugh then headed into town to sell our ham...
- Dr. Nip
I was walking along one of the paths trying to figure out where exactly I was going. I didn't have much experience in any of the skills so I guess I was just looking for something to give me some, possibly a deer or rabbit. As I was walking, the music had changed, so I knew something was about to go down. Like I said, my skills were really pathetic at the time, so I guessed I was gonna get fucked royally by some monster, but I didn't run away 'cause I was still interested in what might be there. (I guess that's because I haven't yet seen any really tough looking shit yet, like a dragon or fire elemental.) Well, as I was walking, the game started to lag a bit and I would freeze up every couple of seconds. That's when I noticed something strange. As I walked be this wide tree, it sort-of side-stepped towards me, from behind. I attributed this strange scene, at first, to lag. But then the lag stopped and, all of a sudden, this huge fuckin' Redwood starts using his roots as legs (like a spider) and chases me down the freakin' path. Well, I don't know if it's a bad memory from the "Wizard of Oz", or some "wood-phobia" but that was the freakiest thing I saw in a long time. This thing was easily 6 times the size of me and fast too.
Bring on the dragons and sea monters, but keep those fuckin' giant wooden bastards away from me. Thanks UO, I start my new therapy session next week.
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Jhelom Wrestling Pit...
This is the story of something humorous that happened to me that was totally spontaneous and unexpected... but then again, most of the funny stories that I've heard happen just this way, so that's no big deal. ;)
I logged into IRC and talked to my fellow F's. I recently had a problem with client patching, so I was unable to patch up for a week, thus I was a newbie. My bretheren were kicking PKiller ass in Trinsic, and it was clear that I wouldn't be much help as a newbie, so I asked if I could be of any help some other way. Nobody could think of anything, until Silent Bob mentioned that there was some minor PKiller activity in Jhelom. He was wondering if they were still there so I volunteered to do some recon work. It got really boring after two minutes, since nothing was happening, so I decided to take a stroll to the Wrestling Pit in Jhelom. This is where the town saw a lot of activity, since it was fun to play gladiator.
I stayed there for a while talking to my bro Mocker on IRC. Suddenly I saw some rude armored guy by the name of Andrew in combat stance near an NPC and he told me to leave.I didn't like the tone of his words. It wasn't even a polite "Please leave :)." I hate people who aren't polite. So I decided to be difficult. So I play "I'm an NPC" and say stuff like, "I fail to grasp thy meaning..." He clearly wasn't amused. He said, "Shut up, you stupid newbie." Touchy. I retorted, "Make me, you hairy man." He said, "Come here!" "Temper, temper," I responded tauntingly, "It's time for you to see Mr. Laxative." Now, he was clearly pissed, "Come on, one inch closer, and I'll clobber you with my halberd!". He clearly didn't know how to deal with newbies, so I said, "Well, there ya go, you stupid shit. You just revealed your strategies. See if I comply now. ;)"
He cracked a smile and laughed a bit, but continued to be rude. "I will paralyze you, and then kill you in one spell," and then "All I need is one magic arrow, no need to waste reagents."
At this point, he was getting very boring, so I decided to switch back to IRC and talk to Mocker, until I heard some sword clangs. I wasn't too alarmed though, since I was in guard patrolled territory, and not only that, it was a newbie character, so I didn't really care. I came back to see the body of Andrew! I swiftly walked up to it, and proceded to loot him of his plate mail and weapons. Unfortunately, some bystanders took the stuff in his bags, so I didn't get the reagents he mentioned earlier. He then came back, in death robe, and I politely thanked him for the armor. He said, "Your welcome." I think he learned some ettiquite, but next time I see him I'll have to work on his grammar. He should have said "you're." ;)
The most annoying part of this was when I offered the armor to all the F's on IRC and they refused. They were either already well armored, or they were mages. I went to the Dominion and Coalition channels, same story. Finally, I just gave the stuff to my friend Grind.
I laugh at the mentality of some of these weirdos in Britannia. Even Fuckheads with newbie characters are getting the upper hand with them. ;)
There I was.
No, for real.
Fuckheads and Dominion had gathered on Ocllo at the F Storage Shack. The walls were shaking in anticipation of giving the bum's rush to the mainland to shakedown some dickheads.
After getting split up under the worst lag I'd seen in weeks it was 3 a.m. and I still had that gnawing feeling in my belly. I had yet to wack a dickhead.
Romanov, Akhbar, Ruziska, NoVaH, and I journeyed toward the Britain/Minoc/Vesper crossroads to find a few pkillers led by the BD and Fart who were just hiding out and killing passerbys. Duncan of the Crescent Knights was organizing a war party to attack the BD and keep them from retreating and keeping their gear.
We joined him at the gate tower and set out for the crossroads. Akhbar had Whore the Daemon at his side while I was stylin in my tan ass gold armour, war fork, and Order of the Serpent shield, on Groove my trusty mount... and we led the charge, with Duncan's small force blazing toward the tower.
It was empty. It looked like another disappointing evening for all, with the Pkillers getting their kills and escaping into the forest.
I was wandering up and down the roads south west of Covetous while everyone was milling around the area. I saw three red-suited fellows doing a combat pose for a screenshot. Fair enough I said. Then one guy goes 'Grogan!" and takes off running for the forest. Hell, I don't know who he is but he's afraid of me--like he should be. Dumb joe took off running so I followed to figure out what his name was. Oh yeah... Death Bringer. About a week ago this dickweed attacked me and sent my newbie ass running toward Minoc almost whacking me dead. I forgot about it, but his retarded dash for the woods reminded me of his dickheadedness.
Boink. War Fork One hit and he's dead. I didn't bother looting I just kept on.
I kept through the woods and hit the crossroads again and bumped into a few fags loitering there. When all of a sudden Fart walks up. Well I start acting like I'm his biggest buddy and fan. He says nice shield and walks up, obviously thinking about taking it the hard way. I said, "I've got a bunch hidden if you guys want them." They all get all moist and wet and say sure and start following me down the road.
Meanwhile, I hop on IRC and start calling Akhbar and Duncan and company to set up shop at the Minoc/Vesper crossroads. They all get hidden behind trees and such while I was leading Fart and his cronies down the road toward the ambush. They were all happy and shit all smiles about the possiblity of getting order shields.
Finally, I get to the crossroads and I see all the dumb joes' feet sticking out from behind trees and shit, all goofy, like a goddamn cartoon ambush. Akhbar jumped out and paralyzed Fart and we all gang banged him.
One of the guys who was with Fart on the road started whacking me, some Chiba character, but I beat him down soundly. I got some gear for newbies out of the deal also.
All in all it ruled. Ruziska got the final blow, but Akhbar's flamestrike and NoVaH's bardiche attack fucked him up in like three seconds.
Now, that's the shit Fuckheads do best. Some people like order and fair fights, but when you are dealing with dickheads who run at the first sign of danger or the possibilty of getting a dose of their own medicine... you gotta love chaos piled high as fuck with a slice of cake and a dose of sodomy... Fuckhead style.
Smokes comes into irc and says... "this idiot is tryin to kill my miner up here in some Ice Island cave can ya guys hurry and help me..." Wham! I have never seen so many F's gather so fast (usually it takes us like 30 minutes to an hour to get people together and go). So WHAM!!!!!! Luckily Brucifer had a rune to there. Like 10 us recalled to like 3 feet in front of this guy and I swear... I cannot smell nuthin in this game 'cept the shit runnin down his leg. He must have freaked and was so stunned cause he tried to run once but we were all over him like white on rice and he could not move... so we killed him and stripped him bare as we were bitch talkin him and laughin at him. Then we left and that is it hahah...
The mercs wanted to evict us from Ocllo. All the mercs came to the port and starting insulting me, Smoky, and DE. They where like 16 of them against only 3 of us... hehehehe Anyways, they said they owned us and bla bla bla... get my point? Smokes was naked and said "drive through" like usual, was funny as hell. They wanted us to go on the warf to kill us, like gang bang us. We are not that dumb. ;) The funniest part about this is that I was killing orcs and shit on the south side of Ocllo and run into the Inn. Who do I see? ChristinaTheMercs! YUP! So I say, "Hey let's rock and roll." She said fuck all. She moved around trying to avoid me like the plague. I then chase her on the docks and I see 15 mercs. ;) We had fun insulting them. ;)
So the next night, Grimster and 2 fags of the Mercs, Xavier and Crazy (I think), come on the island and start saying shit to me. I'm like, "Hmm, Can i take this shitmonster Grimster?" So Hypo comes along and stays around. Grimster challenges us to a duel. I'm like, "Shit, with my fishergirl? Hypo you go first."
Hypo 1 vs. 1 and Hypo like kills him in 3 shots with his halberd. We are like "Oh my god!" This was a fair fight, no magic, no healing, no cheating... honest Fuckheads fight.
So I'm next, Hypo is an honorable bastard and lets him keep his shit. So I go against him, I did not have my dex bug here. I whack him with 4 shots of my magic sword, which there was no magic then. ;) hehehehe He died. Brucifer in IRC yells, "Take his shit! Rape the fatass!!!" I like, "Ok!" I take all his shit... hahahaha The guy says, "Hey! That is not honorable!" I told him, "Hey that is what happens when you try to evict us off our island!" That is when they called me bad ass girl!
I arrived on Ocllo after Grimster got his two beatdowns. I see a few F's in town talking to some guy wearing nothing but a white robe. It was Grimster so I start asking him shit like why he only has a robe on. He was bitching about being mad at his guild tonight. Is that because two Fuckheads in a row just handed him his fat ass? Could be. It looked like Grimster wasn't in any hurry to head outside of town and he didn't have any way off the rock, so I decide to stroll around town and see what else is going on.
I head over to the docks and as usual, there's a few Fuckheads screwing around. Next thing I know a few dickheads appear at the top of the docks: Xavier-themercs, Mournblade, and some other dick whose named started with 'M'. I walk over to them and ask them why they aren't pkilling right now. Xavier replies with something like, "We don't feel like it." So I say, "Aren't you guys supposed to be PK's?" They don't answer back and just walk away from me. I offered to fight the three of them at the same time. I figured since it was 1 on 3, me against the three of them, that they'd accept, but I was wrong. They all said they didn't feel like fighting. Ok, fine.
Well, I go looking for any more mercs walking around on our island. Using my dickhead tracking skills, I see that ChristinaTM is northeast from me. I walk into the Inn and as soon as I do, someone disappears in the corner of one of the rooms. I go into that room and walk around the corner while my tracking keeps showing her next to me. So finally she unhides. I see she's all decked out in armor and her title says master warrior. I was only an expert or an adapt at the time (yeah, I'm lazy), but I figure what the hell, I'll challenge her to a fight anyway. She refuses to fight and logs out in the Inn.
I'm getting pissed now because I can't find any action despite all the dickheads I keep seeing here. I'm walking around town again and all of a sudden Zep sends out a message saying there's an incoming boat. I guess he used his own dickhead tracking skills and radar to position himself at the spot where the boat finally landed. He says there's a merc sailing the ship and it's right next to the tanner. Looks like a merc rescue boat so I haul ass over there. I see one merc named Ceres on a horse on the ship and she's an adept swordswoman. I hop on the plank and start smacking her with my sword and watch her health steadily drop despite the nice-looking black armor she's wearing. She's hitting back but it's barely scratching away at my health. Next thing I know, that dick Mournblade unhides next to me and starts attacking me too. Yeah, thanks for telling me about the hidden one on there, Zep. Zep makes up for it though by jumping onto the ship and attacking Mournblade. Then out of nowhere Silent Bob, Acady, and a couple others are climbing all over each other scrambling to get on the boat and get a piece of the action. As soon as they landed on the ship, Ceres was dead at my feet. No one else touched her except me. Did she die from my sword or from the fear of seeing half a dozen armed Fuckheads on her boat? Maybe both? Mournblade dropped like a second later. Then Acady whipped out some of her halberd love on Ceres's horse. I don't remember who carved the horse's corpse. I looted Ceres dry and put her armor on. I guess Mournblade's gear was all divided up among the others.
We laugh at the ghosts then head back into town. I see Grimster still in town with that white robe of his. He's pleading with a few Fuckheads to give him a gate so he can "get off the island and never come back" as he says. I don't remember if anyone there gave him a gate, but I do remember everyone standing around him laughing at him. Oh, well. So much for evicting us from our island.
This pkiller, Larry, was killing tons of people at the crossroads. Pleaque tells me to join him in killing this bastard. So me and Pleaque go to him and talk to this bastard. I dont think we had red names then and shit. So Pleaque tells me to meteor him ehhehehe when he gives me the signal. So we talk to this bastard, and Pleaque starts attacking this fucker! Im like ok here goes! BOOOOOOM!!! Dead! People were all happy thanking us too that they could go by and stuff... it felt great. :)
There were about 15 Fuckheads hanging out at the Orc Fort in Phase 2 back when the fort was a place to fight orcs. I was going around lining up ringmail to spell a big giant 'F', as F's are wont to do occasionally... and I see this fucker named Lil Girl running around picking up my armour and weapon display.
"Put that shit back, I'm making something."
"Put it back fag."
She keeps picking up my armour and the 'F' looks like an equal sign now. Finally I pull out my double axe and start whacking her. I had about 9700 swords that wipe so I hit her twice and she starts panicking running around. She's spilling my armour about, throwing it down on the ground as fast as she can, still hasn't said a word.
"That's a good girl!"
She finally stops and takes off all her clothes, bare naked, and starts running toward the docks. I'm trying to figure out what the hell just happened, and I follow her and she walks up to rev and says "hey."
He's all like, "Hey what's up Tits."
And then 'Lil Girl' goes, "Nothin."
After repeated chest-thumping between Bob II and myself, we agreed to a one on one duel at the Ocllo docks. His two friends Seoman Snowlock, and Lan Mandragoran came in tow to ensure that Bob didn't get gangbanged F style. Shortly after making a point that there would be no outside interference, the fight was on. After handing him his ass a couple of times, Bob's two friends started healing him, I spasmed in IRC that I needed some help.
Out of thin air Powerslave came up and healed me. He didn't care much for those folks, so he started to beat on Seo. Finally, Rev graced us with his presence, and joined into the healing foray. After about twenty minutes, Powerslave laid down the killing blow right on top of Seo's head.
After telling them to "get the fuck off our island," the three of them (two living, one ghost) humbly walked off and gated away.
Some people aren't too bright. Let's call them AoD.
So Silent Bob decides to run to the desert above Britain and sneak into the AoD desert house. This time being when you could mark inside of structures. Being the dumbasses that they are they let him in and he quickly marked the small forgery where so many men have died. During early Atlantic AoD claimed to "own" the desert even after all the asswhippings delivered to them.
On we go...
You see here on Ocllo Hypo and I sit goofing around when Bob comes up and exclaims that he has a rune inside the AoD house.
AoD. Rune. Hell yeah.
So Hypoluxa and I get into our suicide wear (naked, wielding halberds) and then Bob pulls us up a gate to inside. Being the fuckers that we are, we walk in the gate only to be met by 4 to 5 AoD dicks. We quickly dispatch them all NAKED WITH HALBERDS.
All 4 to 5 of them quickly fell to Hypo and I. As we were laughing our asses off another gate appeared in the upper right corner of the small forge. Thinking it was Bob we just sat there. We quickly learned it was not as 2 more AoD dickheads emerged from the hole.
"Fuck" said the two AoD homos.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEhehehe!" yelled Hypoluxa!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
7 Holy shit
Five to six Fuckheads hop on a boat along with myself and we decide to take a trip to LLTS island. Little did we know that AoD had already infested the island.
So we hop off the boat and the chaos commenses. Four AoD run up only to be met by a full Fuckhead attack.
Do we get the general idea? So they start running like... hummm... like AoD.
I ran after MasterKiller of AoD. He jumped on my damn boat and tried to depart from the island leaving his friends to burn.
"Get off my fucking ship!" I stated as I leaped for the plank.
As I climbed aboard, his nuts finally dropped and he decided to pull out his bardiche.
I quickly ducked as I whipped out my halberd NAKED.
Do we see a pattern here?
So I dock the boat and meet up with the other Fuckheads still chasing AoD stragglers.
"We're missing one!" Brucifer stated.
From the mist comes Brucifer and Riva up the ass of the last AoD straggler.
They ran right through our pack and we quickly realized what was happpening.
"FUCK," yelled the AoD straggler as the Fuckhead pack chased after him.
We decide to leave as the last AoD member fell. Before we did however, I looked back and saw Brucifer, Grandmotherfuckhead, yelling from behind the LLTS castle. He had penetrated the fallen AoD warrior!
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
"Stop fucking killing me you death robe killer," said the little AoD.
"Ok I'll stop
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
"RUN UNDER THE MOUNTAIN," said the little AoD man.
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING MOUNTAIN," I yelled.
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
"Stop it asshole you can only kill us in death robes you suck," whined little AoD dude.
Thou hath strayed from the path of virtue but thou does deserve another chance!
It was one of my first nights as an F and we were all in covetous hunting the dickheads. I was dishonorable as usual and some dumbasses started shit. Final we convinced them not to attack me and everything was cool until (either Celt or Trahk) strolled up. Whoever it was happened to be dastardly so these dumb bitches start attacking him. I couldn't let my fellow F die so I joined in. Well, I started getting trounced pretty nicely so I hide and these guys come rushing out and my fellow F's begin lighting the pass up with firewalls. Finally DE bust out an Energy Vortex and lays one of the fags out. The others quickly recalled. After he was dead I looted his skirt and proudly put it on. Afterwards we all took advantage of me being red and sparred over his body while Rev. Brucifer sat on his horse and laughed.
Two weeks after everybody started playing, Acady started her little Acady Des FH's on Atlantic Server.
It was hard to start this new girl because all the F's had finished their guys and Acady was left alone training on Ocllo animals on the South Part. When she would finish attacking poor little creatures, she would macro on fishing and identifying arms. This would boost her dex incredibly.
So after 2-3 days, Acady had around 85 Strength, 93 Dex and 40 Int. Not bad for a few days. She was GM in swords and tactics, and master in fishing. ;)
So this goes like that. When the F's were tired of killing all the dickheads around, we would gather on the docks on Ocllo and kill each other. This would build our guys up. We would practice with magic fields, etc.
Anyways, Acady was walking on the docks where all of a sudden Pleaque challenged her to a duel to see if she is fit to be a Bad Ass Fuckhead! So Acady said ok and started beating down Pleaque with her halbred. Pleaque fell after a short struggle. Hypo got mad at me for killing Pleaque so he challenged me! I healed up and said, "Let's go bitch!" Hypo fought valiantly with his new super anti-dickheads move... but alas another of our heros fell to the Princess.
At this time of the challenges, F's were getting pissed off at their sister F. Rev. Brucifer decides to kill off the little girl and show her what a real man is. ;) Rev tried and tried to get Acady out... but alas Brucifer fell also after a brilliant fight. Acady was still unbeaten! DE decided to teach this bitch a lesson or two! Acady healed up and went against the mighty DE! DE struck pain to Acady... Acady was going down... but Acady did what Hypo tought her (move around). DE went down like the rest of the F. This was unseen, Acady was standing pround. At this point Ruziska and Powerslave came along and challenged her. Both went down but were still great fights! Then comes the famous Zep, who tries magic against Acady. Acady is damn near 100 resistance, so this does not affect her and Zeppy falls down!
So after a beating of her armour and all, Acady was still alive and gloated that night of being the most badass F for the day!
Just after the guild patch came in (where you could attack your guildmates/warring guilds in town), a bunch of Fuckheads gathered in front of the Magincia bank to go out and make some PK's repent their sins.
Anyway, I'd say there were about ten of us all standing around shooting each other with our bows in usual Fuckhead fashion. Myself and Grogan ended up getting into a archery fight and the rest of the F's there healed each other occasionally when needed.
So after about 5 minutes of this Grogan says, "Ok, stop shooting me. Let's go."
I had to go to the bathroom so I just said to hold up, but I forgot to go out of combat mode when I went to the bathroom. So the whole time while I'm gone grogan keeps saying, "Pell, stop! STOP!"
I'm slowly knocking his HP from full to none the whole time. I still to this day dont know why he didn't just run away, but he stood there thinking that I was just playing around or he is just retarded. Anyway, I eventually killed him. So he's dead now laying in front of the Magincia bank with ten or so Fuckheads going, "What the fuck just happened?"
As Grogan is getting ressurected some dude comes up and loots all of Grogan's shit. He had some nice items on him. Meanwhile, all the F's just stand there and watched this guy loot Grogan of all his worldly belongings without doing anything. All one had to do was say "Guards!" and he'd be dead. This guy runs off with all of his shit and Grogan gets back to find his body nude and everything gone. About this time I get back in IRC and all I see is "PELL I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Of course I had no idea of what happened and why he was PMS'ing so badly. He flipped out on me for about five minutes. Then, I explained that I was AFK the whole time and didn't know. After a bit he calms down a little and we decide to shove off to go PK hunting like we were supposed to (after like an hour or more of standing in front of the Magincia bank). Just before leaving I checked my skills and noticed I gained like .5 archery off the "sparring" session with him.
By this time I was rather enjoying how angry he was so I decided to tell him about my stat gain on his behalf knowing he'd probably pop a vein in a his forehead. His reply: "YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!" Then, "You were kicked in #Fuckheads by Grogan." I almost busted a gut.